Have you ever had a disagreement with a supplier, customer, friend, co-worker or complete stranger and gotten frustrated because the other person just didn’t “get” what you were trying to say? I know I sure have. I’ve found that certain words shut down communication while others are keys to open communication.

Here are some words that shut down communication.

You’re wrong…

I never said that…

You should…

You must…

You always…

Can’t you…

Shut up…

When you start sentences with these words it’s as if you’re holding up a big red stop light because all positive communication stops and a game of “he said, she said” starts and never really ends. One party is trying to prove they are “right” which means they have to make the other party “wrong” and nobody really likes to be wrong. It’s as if you start the conversation with a closed mind and nothing the other person can say is going to change your mind. Neither party is really satisfied with the results and has to find a way to release the anger that is generated by closed communication. That can take the form of physical or emotional abuse, illness, depression, or addictions to name just a few.

On the other hand, if you want to really have healthy relationships and to feel good about yourself and others, you might consider using open phrases similar to the ones below. They are statements about how you feel or what you want. Nobody can tell you that you don’t want or need something because they are not you. They have not had your life experiences nor seen an event from your exact same point of reference. Both of you filter your interpretation of an event through your own frames of reference.

Sentences that start with “I” or “Would” give the green light to continuing the conversation. You are just giving or asking for information. This takes the emotion out of the statement and allows the other party to stay neutral rather than to jump into a defensive mode. These opening phrases enable you to say exactly what is real for you.

I’ve noticed…

Is it OK with you…

Are you willing…

I have a need to…

I want…

I need…

I’d appreciate…

I’d prefer…

Would you please…

I’m curious…

Would you consider…

Choose your words carefully because they will either bring you closer to another or push them away. If you notice you used a “red light” word and didn’t mean to, an “I’m sorry” goes a very long way.

© 2007, Joanne Stein, JPS and Associates. www.bestcoach4u.com, www.jpstein.org All rights reserved.